Saturday, March 19, 2011

Big Changes Blindsided Us

Lots has happened since I started this space; I wanted to start a blog very much, to reach out and talk to people and rev their creativity, to help in ways that I could.....To help people reach into themselves and become more creative daily (ME INCLUDED!), become communicative, become more of who they already are.  I love to help with that.  It's presumptuous of me, but I've done it before, and I'll do it again.  Why not?  It's wonderful when it works!  I'll be taking photos later, and making the room pretty, but not today.

So I've been gone.  Sorry for the balls I've dropped.  Yeek...
I was in a lot of pain; so much so that I didn't realize I was losing my vision for about 10 days.  For an artist to start losing her sight is a fearsome thing, but I hurt so much I didn't even realize my eyesight was going.

I fell twice; after the 2nd fall my husband noticed a change in my personality (!!! Uh oh), and called 911.  I don't remember any of this except small parts of the 2 falling episodes.  Luckily, someone caught me during the 2nd fall.  (Thank you, Lisa!  And Kevin!)

I've been in the hospital for weeks.  I've felt so luckySO lucky.  I got the right surgeon, the right post-op brain nurse, the right everything just fell into my lap all the way down the line.  I'm one of the luckiest people ever.  I only remember being wheeled into an operating room and waking up later with a 19 1/2 cm. stapled hole in my head.  Surprise!  (The staples were cool)

I have a glioblastoma -- a brain tumor.  It's stage 4, they were able to only get 5" of the mass out; it's all through my brain like lace or cobwebs, and you can't just go exploring in there.  It's your BRAIN.  Aside from the cancer, I had brain surgery too, a separate issue and complicated.  You have to relearn all sorts of things, like walking.  Walking!  I had to learn to walk again.  I'm 88 years old all of a sudden.  I use a walker (I LOVE my walker), I have a little bitty runabout wheelchair (manual).  I get exhausted just thinking about doing something, let alone doing it.

I'm 56.

Most of it has been MAGICAL.
Truly touched by glittery magic, gooeyness and pink frosting!  Right now I want to touch on a few issues here to explain things then go back to my den like a fox, curl up and eat a huge pile of vegetables.  My entire diet has changed radically -- for the better -- it's amazing how healthy it's made me, I think (though having cancer isn't healthy).  Last week I ended up on my ass, putting a hole in the wall, from a small seizure.  Seizures = not good if they start, then keep, happening.  So I'm being very careful not to push too hard, whatever that means.  Where's the line?  What do you do if you suddenly have advanced-stage cancer metastacizing?  You research, you eat well, you do what the therapists of all types tell you to.

You listen to Indiana Jones.  "Plan?  What plan?!  I'm makin' this up as I go along!"

I go for radiology 5 @ week to stave off going blind (not again!) and losing my Me-ness; I don't want my personality changing.  I've noticed altered states of vision already; don't like that.  I'm working very, very hard at challenging this Thing, using everything at my disposal from aromatherapy to an altar I began planning/building in my head as soon as I read about how some women were able to foil their supposed due dates (life expectancies) when they had breast cancer by building an altar.  Couldn't hurt, right?  Kind of fun, right?  (Yes.)  Why the heck not?

Made of an old clock case of wood, I'm lining the inside with torn joss paper in golds and red.  Turmeric with a pinch of black pepper is a weapon against my particular cancer, so there's a little dish of that.  There's a beautiful, variegated feather, some donated crystals, a few porcelain button studs, other things..... It was stimulating and fun to gather little meaningful items.  Today Aaron, the hammer & power drill guy, put up the shelf and when I leave the computer I'll take the clock case into the den with me.  A thrilling moment!  I love new beginnings -- and creations of any kind.  A little shrine, some paints, and appropriate stamps (plus a host of other toys) is irresistible.  Glue!  Tassels!  Things from my Ukrainian grandma!

I've been reading a lot of those Be Creative Every Day books -- you know the ones.  And, of course, shopping on amazon for more.  Being in a bookstore but without the effort to get there - I'm not allowed to drive, so I either hire someone or get a friend to do it for free.  And it's EXPENSIVE.  Thank gawd for the computer, a portal to the outer world for many of us.  I spent a lot of the day at amazon, and found a ton of books to drool over.  Here are only a few for you to see too.
For your amusement:

This looks SOOOOO fun!  Anyway you want it:
I want it MADLY!!  Don't you?!?

Art and Healing: Using Expressive Art to Heal Your Body, Mind, and Spirit [Paperback] How perfect is that?  Supposed to be good for the layperson, useful and intuitive, easily accessible.

Unfurling, A Mixed-Media Workshop with Misty Mawn: Inspiration and Techniques for Self-Expression through Art
I like her work; simple, not overdone-Somerset-Style.  There's a roughly-hewn white rock heart on the cover that whispered to me.  I was a goner!
Good night.  Zzzzzzzzz...... (eat sorbet - it's REALLY GOOD)